Bob Goodenow, chieftain of the NHLPA, was found bound and gagged laying alongside the back door of a Minneapolis gay bar Monday night. Goodenow's head was shaved, along with "other undisclosed body parts," and had a sign reading "My name is Bob and I like cowboys" taped to his chest.
Upon being recovered by Minnesota State Patrol, Goodenow issued a public, duress-free statement outlining his plans for the NHLPA:
"I'll do whatever the fans say! I swear it! All I want is- what? What's best for the game! Yeah, that's it! Oh, and I'm working pro bon- I can't do that! I've got a family! Ok ok, put the stick away..."
Goodenow was later seen waddling into his office, after refusing to have a seat and talk with reporters.
"Thanks guys, but, uh... yeah, I've been sitting all day, hehe," Goodenow declined.
NHL commish Gary Bettman, however, was found with his kidneys removed laying in a seedy motel bathtub full of ice. It was unknown how long Bettman had been in the bathroom, however police indicated that there was no sign of foul play.
In unrelated news, Gophers defenseman Chris Harrington was seen driving about campus in a 2005 Lamborghini Murcielago yesterday.
"Uh, my uncle died," replied Harrington when asked about his financial resources in regards to the car.